Homo Sum

Homo sum; humani nihil a me alienum puto. – Publius Terentius Afer

I am human.

I consider nothing human alien to me.

There is nothing I cannot do, and little I have not done. Brain and thumb, brain and thumb I’ve climbed the sky. Sea, earth, tree, land, sea, sky, moon—stars? These things are touched by me, claimed by me, made my own. From nothing I have built everything; from emptiness I have carved plenty. From humble beginning I have progressed far, and will progress further. Did Lucifer fall? I rose.

I am human.

I am namer, and shaper. Creator. Destroyer. Breaker and fixer. All land is my land, all things are my things. I have been a steward and a wastrel, benevolent, malevolent, indifferent. I learn, I grow, I discard what I have learned and I return. I progress, and regress, but I progress again. I have built libraries, and I have burned them, but I have built them again. I will burn them again, but I will build them once more. Better? Perhaps. I’ll try.

Publius Terentius Afer.  Praenomen Publius, from the same root as “the public”. Nomen Terentius, for the man who had him educated and freed, and also the man who had once enslaved him. Cognomen Afer, indicating his African origin. Publius Terentius Afer was a slave and then a freedman and then one of Rome’s most famous poets. He lived so many lives, and in one of his plays he wrote “Homo sum: humani nihil a me alienum puto”.

Nothing human is alien to me.

I have conquered the Other, and been conquered by Another. Late—too late? perhaps—I have learned that they are both Myself. I have oppressed, and been oppressed, and will oppress again. I have cast off my oppressors, and I will cast them off again. Each time, does the oppression become more difficult? Perhaps. I think.

I am a victim. I have been beaten, bloodied, burnt. I have been enslaved. I have been raped and murdered. I have been robbed and cheated. Impoverished. I have been made less than I am. I have been hurt.

I am rapist, murderer, thief, and cheat. I have hurt. I will hurt again.

I am human.

I consider nothing that is human alien to me.

Slowly. Slowly. Oh, so slowly. I improve. Every year, every day, every second I am better than I was. I slide back, but. Brain and thumb, brain and thumb I climb the mind. There is a little. A little. Oh, so little less pain in the world with every new movement I make. Glacial, ponderous, I move forward.

Homo sum; humani nihil a me alienum puto.

Terentius would no longer recognize me. In two thousand years I will no longer know myself. I have found the keys to so many locks, cast off so many chains, but I have many more to shed. I have traveled, far, but there is no rest to come.

Human.

I am human.

We are human; hold nothing human alien to us.

My Town

Sleepy town and and insomniac I
Are no great friends
Struggle I against its weight
And yet
Deep beneath its sopor
I
am
Trapped
Forced into torpor
By
My
Lack

By my nature I am made
Of FIRE
But this place is too wet of
A blanket upon my face
And smothered
Smolder I
Be
Neath
The
Nave
Of
This
Nap
Town

Dragging from place to place
Hunting for life
Fire needs to breathe
I am
The spark
I have
The fuel
But search I for others
And the Oh, Too
That I need to blaze

Is this living?
I think that here I mere
Ly exist
And I must leave
Lest I go out completely
Or I burn
This
Blanket
Down

Another

I love
To see
Your face alight
I love
To see
Your hands entwined
I love
To see
You live your life
Not mine

And you
Deserve
What heart you want
I could
Not give
That you deserve
You changed
Your wants
And I joy to
Observe

I love
Lovely
My lover lost
A love
You love
May that love swell
Call down
On me
The best revenge:
Live well

Madeleine L'Engle died yesterday

Two days ago, technically, given the time. I only just found out.

I can’t describe how much this affects me. I don’t think there is an author who even approaches the effect that L’Engle had in shaping my adult personality. A Wrinkle in Time is, of course, classic, but I’ve voraciously devoured every one of her texts that I’ve had the good fortune to encounter, and each has left its mark. Her continuation of the sci-fi “Kairos” universe from the Wrinkle trilogy was fascinating, but as much as I loved The Arm of the Starfish et al, I equally adored her “standard” fiction in her “Chronos” books, such as The Moon by Night and A Ring of Endless Light.

I found out later than I might have. Apparently, my friends were keeping the news from me because they knew I’d take it badly. They’re sweet, if misguided. They know that I don’t pay enough attention to mainstream news to find out otherwise.

I have the volumes of The Crosswicks Journal sitting here by my computer. I’ve only started the first. I keep getting distracted by other books and by the rest of my life. I can’t shake the sensation that, if I’d read them, she’d still be here. Ridiculous, of course, but that’s what it’s like inside my head sometimes.

I’ve wanted to meet her for almost as long as I’ve been a sentient creature. I won’t. The sense of loss is overwhelming at the moment. A character in one of her books mentioned that no one had written a poem about a sycamore tree. I wrote one for her when I was twelve, and I always meant to show her. It’s actually not bad, for a twelve-year-old’s writing.

L’Engle was the writer-in-residence at the Cathedral of St. John the Divine. As an atheist, I was always grateful for her perspective on Christianity. I felt, for want of a better word, blessed to have a window into the sort of compassionate and approachable theism that exists in her works. Hers was a Christianity reverent of science and reason, beautiful and tempting. It is ultimately not what I believe, but something to which I am deeply sympathetic.

If I can one day have a tenth, or a hundredth, of the effect that she’s had on the world, I will count my life worth being lived.

Johnson County

I gotta little baby
And she’s mine all mine
And I gotta get to see her
But there ain’t much time
And I got the needle layin’
On the thick red line
But I gotta take a little trip
Back in time

And I
Gotta get out of Johnson county
Gotta get out of Johnson county
Gotta get away from the local mounties
Gotta get out of Johnson county

Gotta get out of Johnson county
Gotta get out of Johnson county
Gotta get away from the local mounties
Gotta get out of Johnson county

‘Cause I gotta lotta Jack
And little bit o’ wine
And I gotta lotta trouble
Waitin’ over that line
If I can just bust through
Then I’m gonna be fine
But if I’m gonna make it
MPH’s gotta climb

‘Cause I
Gotta get out of Johnson county
Gotta get out of Johnson county
Gotta get away from the local mounties
Gotta get out of Johnson county

Gotta get out of Johnson county
Gotta get out of Johnson county
Gotta get away from the local mounties
Gotta get out of Johnson county

Johnson county sheriff
Ain’t no friend o’ mine
Got me eight times before
And he wanna make it nine
And this road only goes
Just a little ‘cross the line
So if get these wheels a-rollin’
Then I oughta be fine

But I
Gotta get out of Johnson county
Gotta get out of Johnson county
Gotta get away from the local mounties
Gotta get out of Johnson county

Gotta get out of Johnson county
Gotta get out of Johnson county
Gotta get away from the local mounties
Gotta get out of Johnson county

Just two miles to go
When I see them lights
And I’m gonna lay it down
And try to make it right
‘Cause he knows he can’t get me
Cross the county line
And I know I’m gonna risk it
‘Cause my baby’s so fine

So with that pedal down
I’m a-makin’ time
And those lights are growin’
Like I’m gonna go blind
But I’m screaming along
Down ol’ County Line
And when hit I that gravel
Then my baby’s gonna be
Mine
Mine
MINE!

But I
Gotta get out of Johnson county
Gotta get out of Johnson county
Gotta get away from the local mounties
Gotta get out of Johnson county

Gotta get out of Johnson county
Gotta get out of Johnson county
Gotta get away from the local mounties
Gotta get out of Johnson county

Gotta get out of Johnson county
Gotta get out of Johnson county
Gotta get away from the local mounties
Gotta get out of Johnson county

Doughtytype (aka Repetitive Refrain)

(NB: This post will make no sense if you’re unfamiliar with Mike Doughty)

Oh, I wish I was good enough for you
I really wish I wasn’t such a tool
My plaintive joy, it fills me through and through
Much, much more than I am you are cool

I’m so not good enough that I’m in pain
It’s going to make me sing, the

[refrain]
Repetitive refrain, the repetitive refrain, re-
petitive refrain the repetitive refrain

Oh, God and/or a woman makes me feel
As if I wasn’t nearly good enough
This woman and/or God has such appeal
An unrelated reference I’ll toss off

Oh, I love you so much My Lord or Jane,
I think I have to sing the

[refrain]
Repetitive refrain, the repetitive refrain, re-
petitive refrain the repetitive refrain

[Bridge, live version]
Now, I haven’t written a bridge, so in its place I’ll be making
obsucre pop culture references! Maybe I’ll sing Firetruck, if you’re
good!

[Bridge, album version]
I tacked a few words here in the bridge
A little something just to take up time
I’d like to have a yard and trim the hedge
Hey, look at that, I almost made it rhyme

like the

[refrain]
Repetitive refrain, the repetitive refrain, re-
petitive refrain the repetitive refrain, re-
petitive refrain the repetitive refrain, re-
petitive refrain the repetitive refraiiiiin

Terpsichorean Astronomy

Starlight dancer on the nightsky floorMove sidereal
Tracing footpaths that I would explore
Lithe, ethereal

Astronautic as I walk the sky
Approaching closely
Meteoric, I cannot pass by
Your orbit knows me

Gravitation, across this divide
Draws us together
A force insisting that we must collide
In the dance floor nether

Satellites we two have now become
Swaying, swinging slow
Circumlocuting, we must succumb
Our twinned stars aglow

Centrifugation, we will one day part
This perfect meanwhile
Hardship can never undo this start
That makes the end worthwhile

Gonzales v. Carhart

I am angry about this one. This decision makes me feel angry, and frightened, and helpless.

The judicial system has always been my favorite of the three branches of government, and the Supreme Court my favorite of the top institutions. It has made bad decisions in the past, but it always seemed to be ahead of the curve, keeping pace with public opinion and the gradual liberalization of this country, while the other two branches of government tended to lag behind. They upheld the rights of the Cherokee and the rights of black students (eventually). Today, though, the court seems unconcerned with the rights of women.

In its 5-4 decision, the court has swung back the pendulum on women’s rights to their own bodies. Justice Kennedy was the swing vote, and also wrote the majority opinion. That opinion only addresses the narrow case of intact D&X procedures. Kennedy deferred to Congress’s bogus “findings” that D&X is always unsafe, and never medically necessary. The only bright ray in this is that, once again, only Scalia and Thomas joined a concurring opinion that called for the reversal of Roe v. Wade and Planned Parenthood v. Casey. Kennedy did not affirm these decisions in his opinion, but he did cite them. Newly-minted justices Alito and Roberts only joined the majority opinion, not the concurring one, implying that they don’t believe the two cases above should be overturned.

Ginsburg, in her minority opinion, was, as always, beautiful:

Today’s decision is alarming. It refuses to take Casey and Stenberg seriously. It tolerates, indeed applauds, federal intervention to ban nationwide a procedure found necessary and proper in certain cases by the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG).
It blurs the line, firmly drawn in Casey, between previability and postviability abortions. And, for the first time since Roe, the Court blesses a prohibition with no exception safeguarding a woman’s health.

And here

In sum, the notion that the Partial-Birth Abortion Ban Act furthers any legitimate governmental interest is, quite simply, irrational. The Court’s defense of the statute provides no saving explanation. In candor, the Act, and the Court’s defense of it, cannot be understood as anything other than an effort to chip away at a right declared again and again by this Court—and with increasing comprehension of its centrality to women’s lives.

I wish that I had more to say on this. As a reasonable person who believes in a woman’s rights over her own body—i.e., a feminist—this sort of thing disturbs me greatly. As an American citizen, it makes me worried about what other oft-affirmed rights will be chipped at by the new Court. As a man, it makes me feel responsible, and that I haven’t done enough to ensure that this sort of thing can’t happen.

You Are

Intrigue
You
Are
Fascination
You
Are
Astonishment
You
Are
Desire
You
Are
Far

Exception
You
Are
Variation
You
Are
Contrary
You
Are
Deviant
You
Are
Adept

Connected
You
Are
Involved
You
Are
Rapt
You
Are
Intent
You
Are
Tied up

Heat
You
Are
Touch
You
Are
Sleek
You
Are
Tryst
When you
Are
Near

Misfortune
You
Are
Unluck
You
Are
Jinx
You
Are
Distraction
Because you
Are
Far

The I'm Such a Heel Blues

(you’ll have to imagine the tune)

You and I
We seem to be of one kind
Time goes quick
We’re like our own small clique
We’ve been through
More than any other two
My one wish to
Never ever see you blue

And I wish that I could love you
But I don’t know how
No I don’t know how
I don’t know how
Oh, I don’t know how
I don’t know how

Tears my heart
To tell you we must part
If I could change
I’d make us never strange
Can’t look in your eyes
While I’m saying my goodbyes
Know it’s such pain to
Want who doesn’t want you

So I wish that I could be with you
But I don’t know how
No I don’t know how
I don’t know how
Oh, I don’t know how
I don’t know how

Oh you know I always thought
That I could just control my heart
And still think that I ought
Then I wouldn’t have to part
Worst thing that I’ve ever done
Because I know how this must hurt
Was tell you you could be the one
And then to leave you in the dirt

The only thing harder than to leave you is to stay

I wish that I could stay with you
But I don’t know how
No I don’t know how
I don’t know how
Oh, I don’t know how
I don’t know how

Just Now

Just let me keep this feeling here
The music swells and fills my heart
Just let me keep this feeling here
I’ll sit a while and view this art

Oh, I have hurt so much today
And yet this moment I am whole
Oh, I have hurt so much today
But I can feel this fix my soul

There is a darkness I must face
But just this moment I feel fine
There is a darkness I must face
But first I think I’ll drink this wine

For now I feel aright again
And that is such a precious thing
For now I feel aright again
This moment as I stop and sing

Soon I’ll be awash with pain
These interstices hold me high
Soon I’ll be awash with pain
But these small breaks can get me by

And one day I will make it through
Till then please let this music swell
And one day I will make it through
There is an end to every Hell